Tears

I named my blog Spoken Tears because for me tears are joys, sorrow, healing, and an endless list of other meanings. When I was a little girl I used to cry over everything. If I was being accused of something I cried. If I was embarrassed I cried. If I was being teased I cried. If I was in trouble I cried. There was no stopping them. I hated them because I had no control of when my eyes would well up and I would get that painful lump in my throat from trying to hold them back. Even if it was no big deal I would cry and my parents would be so frustrated with me, thinking I was trying to get out of it by crying. Soon my tears didn't mean anything to anyone, they just were...me. When I watched a movie I cried. If someone told me good news I would cry or at least face the pain of holding it back. It was such a part of me that I just labeled myself as emotional. I felt it was easier just to flat out tell people I'll probably cry and make a joke of it before anyone else could. It wasn't until my junior year of college that I started figuring my tears out. I soon realized that my tears were a gift from God. That's a funny thought huh...that's not one of the spiritual gifts people are always talking about but I'll explain. I've always known that I have a compassionate heart because like I said, if someone is sharing something happy or sad with me I feel with them and express it through joining them in tears. I never really realized that this must be what God feels like (not to the magnitude that he must) about all of His children. When we rejoice He rejoices. When we are sad He is sad. When we are broken He is broken for us. As long as I can remember my prayer has been Lord break my heart for what breaks yours. Well he answered that prayer. I feel God has aloud me to feel just a little of how He feels about us. He has given me that gift of compassion and the ability to express this through my tears. I've realized that when I start crying because I see a brand new baby, it's God reminding me that baby is a miracle from God. This has played out day after day in my life. I now understand these emotions that well up in my eyes so much better. I now look at what God is trying to tell me through them. Now most people I know wouldn't say this is completely accurate. That's because I hide it very well. I've learned to because I've had many years with me and my emotions. When I say I cry I don't always mean full out balling and doing that annoying sniffle thing that leads to those hic up things. My eyes just well up and I can catch them before they stain my cheeks and show the evidence of them. I now thank God for this gift because I feel I am more in touch with Him and what he is doing around me.

Thoughts in my head

Day in and day out my apartment is still, for I am the only one who enters here. I try to trick myself out of loneliness with music, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Two and a half months have past by and I know someone so much better. She has frustrated me, she has annoyed me, and I have understood her in new ways. She is me! The silence and emptiness has forced me to dig deep into myself and discover the truth behind who I am. The person helping me discover me is my Savior Jesus Christ. The silence of this apartment has opened my ears to the not so soft whispers of God. He is changing me, perfecting me, fixing me, loving me, and tenderly guiding me. I have discovered a love for control in myself that God does not want in me any longer. God has taken away my ability to control, He wants me to obediently follow him and give up my own control and give it to him. This leaves me vulnerable which is another part of myself I struggle with. If I am having to give up control and be vulnerable before God the old Amy wants to coward and hide but the new Amy can now see His hand guiding me a lot easier. As much as I have fought the loneliness that has entered my life I now long for these times. God has freed me from myself and the loneliness that was once controlling my life has turned to worship to the one who has saved me.